After working with hundreds of chronically lonely people, I've learned that accurate self diagnosis is harder than it seems. We're not always aware of our own patterns, and loneliness itself can distort how we see our social lives.
This assessment is designed to cut through that confusion. Answer honestly based on what actually happens, not what you wish happened or what you think should happen.
For each statement, rate how true it is for you:
1 = Rarely or never true
2 = Sometimes true
3 = Often true
4 = Almost always true
Section A: Your Social Reality
A1. I go three or more days each week without any meaningful conversation with another person.
A2. I can count my close friends on one hand, and even that might be generous.
A3. My calendar is mostly empty of social plans unless someone else initiates them.
A4. I eat most of my meals alone.
A5. If I got sick or needed help, I'd struggle to think of someone to call.
A6. I have long stretches where nobody texts or calls me just to check in.
A7. My main social interaction happens online or through screens rather than in person.
Section A Total: ___
Section B: The Performance
B1. People think they know me well, but they really only know the version I let them see.
B2. I'm good at asking questions and getting others to open up, but I rarely share much about my own internal experience.
B3. Even with people I'm supposedly close to, I find myself editing what I say and how I present myself.
B4. I often feel like I'm playing a role or managing an image, even with friends.
B5. People would be surprised if they knew what I actually think and feel most of the time.
B6. I can be in a deep conversation with someone and still feel completely alone inside.
B7. I'm not sure anyone in my life knows what I'm genuinely struggling with right now.
Section B Total: ___
Section C: The Withdrawal
C1. I want connection but find myself declining invitations or not following through on plans.
C2. I think about reaching out to people but something stops me, even when I have no logical reason not to.
C3. After social interaction, even positive interaction, I often feel drained or need significant recovery time.
C4. I notice myself pulling back from people who seem to want to get closer to me.
C5. I have friendships that faded because I stopped initiating contact, not because anything went wrong.
C6. I want to connect with people, but taking action to make it happen feels overwhelming.
C7. I find reasons why potential friendships or deeper connections won't work out before really trying.
Section C Total: ___
Understanding Your Results
Now look at your three totals.
Your highest scoring section indicates your primary loneliness type:
Section A (Proximity Loneliness): Score 18 or above
You genuinely don't have enough people in your life or enough regular interaction. Your loneliness is primarily about the actual absence of connection, not about the quality of the connections you have. You need more people in your life and more consistent interaction, but in ways that are sustainable and genuine.
If this is your only high score, you're in the minority of chronically lonely people. Most who've been lonely for years have one or both of the other types as well.
Section B (Recognition Loneliness): Score 18 or above
You have people in your life, but nobody really sees you. You've developed patterns of hiding, performing, or managing how others perceive you. The version of you that exists in relationship isn't actually you, and at some level, you know it. This creates a particular kind of loneliness where you can be surrounded by people who care about you and still feel profoundly unseen.
This type is exhausting because you're working hard in every interaction to maintain an acceptable version of yourself. The real you remains isolated even when your social calendar is full.
Section C (Capacity Loneliness): Score 18 or above
Your nervous system has learned that connection is threatening, even when your conscious mind wants it. You're not choosing isolation exactly. You're being protected by a part of you that believes staying distant is safer than getting close. This often comes from past experiences where connection preceded pain or disappointment.
People with this type often feel frustrated with themselves because they want connection but keep sabotaging their own efforts. It's not actually sabotage though. It's protection.
What If You Scored High on Multiple Sections?
This is common. You can have Recognition Loneliness with the people you do interact with AND Capacity Loneliness that prevents you from deepening those relationships or forming new ones. You can have Proximity Loneliness AND one of the other types, which means that even when you do add people to your life, something still feels off.
If you scored 15 or above on two or more sections, your loneliness has multiple layers that need to be addressed in a specific order. Usually Capacity Loneliness needs attention first if present, then Recognition, then Proximity. But this depends on your specific situation.
What If None of My Scores Were That High?
If all your scores were below 15, you might be experiencing situational loneliness rather than chronic loneliness. This often comes from a recent move, a life transition, a loss, or a temporary circumstance that disrupted your social connections. The advice you find in most articles might actually work for you because your patterns of relating are relatively healthy.
Or you might be so disconnected from your actual experience that you struggled to answer honestly. This itself is often a sign of Recognition Loneliness, where you've lost touch with what you genuinely think and feel because you've been focused on what you should think and feel.
Now What?
Knowing your type is the first step, but it's not enough. Each type has specific root patterns that need to be identified and addressed, and that's difficult to do alone.
If you scored high on Section B or C, the patterns creating your loneliness are relational patterns that play out in how you show up with others. You need another person to help you see what you're actually doing versus what you think you're doing.
If you scored high on Section A, you need help figuring out where and how to build sustainable connections that won't leave you feeling more lonely than before.
I've developed a specific process for each type that addresses the root causes, not just the surface symptoms. If you want to understand your specific pattern more deeply and learn what actually needs to happen to change it, I work with people one on one to map out their particular architecture of loneliness and create a path forward.
You can learn more about working together at kindcompanyproject.com where I share insights from my practice about the patterns I see and what actually works to address them.
The most important thing to understand is that your loneliness has a specific shape. Once you can see that shape clearly, you can actually do something about it. But trying to change patterns you can't see clearly usually just reinforces them.
You don't have to stay stuck here.