Answer each question based on what's most true for you, not what you think should be true. There are no wrong answers. This quiz helps identify your specific relational pattern so you can understand what's actually happening beneath the surface of your loneliness.
SECTION 1: HOW YOU SHOW UP IN RELATIONSHIPS
1. When someone shares a problem with you, your first instinct is to: a) Offer solutions or insights to help them fix it b) Listen and share a similar experience of your own c) Feel uncomfortable and try to lighten the mood d) Wonder if they're looking for something specific from you
2. At social gatherings, you typically: a) Engage in interesting conversations but leave feeling like no one really knows you b) Enjoy yourself but rarely follow up with people afterward c) Feel exhausted by small talk and wait for someone to go deep d) Observe more than participate, analysing the group dynamics
3. When you're going through something difficult, you: a) Handle it yourself and maybe mention it after it's resolved b) Share the facts but downplay the emotional impact c) Want to reach out but can't find the "right" person who would understand d) Assume people are too busy or wouldn't know what to say anyway
4. Your closest relationships tend to be: a) Based on shared interests or intellectual compatibility b) Warm but surface level; you know about their lives but don't feel deeply connected c) Few and far between; you have high standards for who you let in d) Mostly professional or activity based; you don't have many purely social friendships
5. When someone tries to get closer to you, you: a) Appreciate it but maintain a certain boundary they can't seem to cross b) Feel pressured and need space c) Wonder what they want from you or why they're so interested d) Engage enthusiastically but somehow it never deepens into real intimacy
SECTION 2: YOUR INTERNAL EXPERIENCE
6. You would describe your emotional expression as: a) Controlled; you prefer to process things privately first b) Muted; you're not sure you feel things as intensely as others seem to c) Intellectual; you can explain your feelings better than you can feel them d) Selective; you only show certain emotions to certain people
7. When you imagine being truly known by someone, you feel: a) Sceptical that anyone would find the real you interesting enough b) Worried they'd see you as less competent or together than they thought c) Uncertain what that would even look or feel like d) Like it would be nice but you're not sure how to get there
8. Your relationship with needing things from others is: a) You pride yourself on being low maintenance and self sufficient b) You have needs but feel guilty or ashamed asking for help c) You're fine with transactional exchanges but not emotional dependence d) You want to need people less than you do
9. When you think about your loneliness, you: a) Analyse what you're doing wrong and try to fix it b) Feel frustrated that you've tried everything and nothing works c) Wonder if you're just fundamentally different from most people d) Go back and forth between thinking it's you and thinking it's everyone else
10. The statement that resonates most is: a) "I have people in my life but still feel alone" b) "I want connection but I'm exhausted by the effort it requires" c) "I can't find people who meet me at my level" d) "I don't know how to let people in, even when I want to"
SECTION 3: YOUR PATTERNS AND HISTORY
11. Growing up, you learned that: a) Achievement and competence got you positive attention b) Emotional needs were inconvenient or made others uncomfortable c) You had to figure things out on your own d) Being smart or capable was more valued than being emotional
12. In past friendships or relationships that faded away, it was usually because: a) You got busy and didn't maintain them b) They weren't deep enough to feel worth the effort c) The other person wanted more than you could give d) You moved on when they disappointed you or didn't meet expectations
13. When you're stressed or overwhelmed, you tend to: a) Withdraw and handle things alone b) Stay busy and productive to avoid feeling it c) Vent to someone but don't actually ask for support d) Disconnect from people even though you know isolation makes it worse
14. Your standards for friendship include: a) Intellectual compatibility and depth b) Reliability and low drama c) Understanding without you having to explain everything d) Mutual benefit; you both bring something valuable
15. The idea of being "needy" makes you feel: a) Uncomfortable; you never want to be that person b) Ashamed; it means you're failing at self sufficiency c) Confused; you're not sure what healthy need actually looks like d) Resistant; needing people gives them power over you
SECTION 4: WHAT YOU'VE TRIED
16. When you've attempted to address your loneliness, you've: a) Joined groups or activities but didn't form real connections b) Tried to be more vulnerable but it felt forced or didn't land right c) Made efforts that worked temporarily but couldn't sustain them d) Read books and understood the concepts but couldn't apply them
17. Your biggest frustration about connection is: a) You make the effort but people stay superficial b) You know what you should do but can't make yourself do it c) You can't find people who understand you d) You don't have time for the maintenance real friendship requires
18. When advice says to "put yourself out there," you: a) Already do that; showing up isn't the problem b) Feel exhausted at the thought of more forced social interaction c) Don't know what that means beyond what you're already doing d) Resist because it feels inauthentic
19. Your relationship with therapy or self help is: a) You've tried it and understand yourself well but still feel stuck b) You've read extensively and can articulate your patterns c) You're sceptical that talking about it will actually change anything d) You therapize yourself and your relationships
20. The statement that feels most true: a) "I understand my loneliness intellectually but can't seem to change it" b) "I've done everything right and I'm still alone" c) "Connection feels like a skill everyone has except me" d) "I'm tired of trying and having it not work"
SCORING GUIDE
Count how many of each letter you selected:
Mostly A's: The Competence Shield
You've built your relational life around being capable, insightful, and valuable. You connect through what you know and what you can offer, not through need or vulnerability. People see you as impressive but don't feel they really know you. Your intelligence has become a wall that keeps you safe but isolated.
Your pattern: You relate through expertise and helpfulness. You're the person people come to for advice but not the person they think to call when they have good news. You've confused being valued with being close.
What's actually happening: You're using competence as a substitute for intimacy because being uncertain or needy feels dangerous. You learned early that achievement was safer than emotional expression, and now you don't know how to connect without that protective layer.
Mostly B's: The Efficiency Trap
You treat relationships like items on your to do list. You maintain them when you have time, which is never enough. You're warm and friendly but you don't prioritize depth because it feels like too much energy for uncertain return. Your connections stay pleasant but shallow.
Your pattern: You're relationally surface level not because you lack capacity for depth but because you've optimized intimacy out of your life. You show up, you're present, but you never quite let anyone matter enough to disrupt your equilibrium.
What's actually happening: You're protecting yourself from disappointment and dependency by keeping everyone at the same comfortable distance. Connection feels risky, so you stay busy enough that no one can get close enough to hurt you.
Mostly C's: The Perfectionist Isolator
You have high standards for friendship and most people don't meet them. You're waiting for the right people, the right depth, the right circumstances. Meanwhile, you're alone. You'd rather have no connections than mediocre ones, so you stay isolated while telling yourself it's a choice.
Your pattern: You use your standards as protection. If no one is good enough, you never have to risk being rejected or disappointed. You've confused discernment with defence.
What's actually happening: You're terrified of being truly seen and found wanting, so you reject people first. Your perfectionism isn't about standards; it's about control. If you never let anyone in, they can never leave.
Mostly D's: The Intellectual Analyzer
You've studied loneliness. You understand attachment theory. You can explain your patterns. And you're still alone because you've turned connection into a problem to solve rather than an experience to have. You think about relationships more than you feel them.
Your pattern: You use analysis as a defence against actually experiencing your loneliness and need. You therapize yourself and others. You stay in your head where it's safe instead of in your body where the vulnerability lives.
What's actually happening: Your intelligence is protecting you from feeling the depth of your isolation and desire for connection. As long as you're analysing it, you don't have to sit with how much it actually hurts or how much you actually want to be close to people.
Mixed Results: The Hybrid Pattern
If you have a relatively even spread across multiple letters, you're likely cycling through different protective strategies depending on the situation. This suggests a complex relational pattern that shifts based on context and threat level.
Your pattern: You don't have one consistent way of keeping people at bay; you have a repertoire. This makes your loneliness harder to identify and address because it looks different in different relationships.
What's actually happening: Your nervous system is working overtime to protect you from connection, and it's using whatever strategy feels safest in the moment. This adaptability served you well growing up but now keeps you relationally stuck.
WHAT THIS MEANS
Your results show your primary relational pattern, the specific way you've learned to protect yourself from intimacy while maintaining the appearance of openness. This isn't a personality type; it's an adaptive strategy you developed because it kept you safe.
Understanding your pattern is the first step. The actual work is learning to relate differently, which requires more than insight. It requires a methodical process that addresses the underlying nervous system patterns and relational templates you're working from.
I've spent 15 years developing an approach specifically for high achieving people whose intelligence has become a barrier to connection. If you want to understand how to actually shift your pattern (not just recognize it), I'd invite you to join my email list where I share the clinical frameworks and practices that create real change.
This isn't about trying harder. It's about working differently. And that starts with seeing clearly what you're actually dealing with.