You learned to deprive yourself of love because at some point in your early life, receiving love came with conditions that felt impossible to meet or consequences that felt unbearable. A parent may have given affection only when you performed well, stayed quiet, or took care of their emotional needs. You discovered that love was not freely given but earned through sacrifice, and the price of that transaction became your template for all relationships that followed. Your nervous system recorded this pattern as truth, and now you unconsciously recreate it by choosing partners who withhold, by pushing away those who offer consistency, or by convincing yourself you need to be different before you deserve care. You are not protecting yourself by doing this. You are repeating what was done to you, hoping that this time the outcome will change.
Self deprivation also comes from a deep fear that if you allow yourself to receive love fully, you will become dependent on something that can be taken away. If someone abandoned you, neglected you, or died when you were young, your system concluded that wanting love is dangerous. The solution your child self created was to stop wanting it altogether, or to want it only in ways that keep it at a safe distance. You might chase people who are unavailable because their distance confirms what you already believe: that love is not meant for you. This confirmation feels safer than the vulnerability of letting someone close enough to hurt you. The irony is that by depriving yourself, you guarantee the abandonment you fear, but at least you control when and how it happens.
Another layer is the belief that you are fundamentally unworthy of love in your natural state. Somewhere along the way, you absorbed the message that who you are is not enough. Perhaps you were criticized for being too sensitive, too loud, too needy, or too much in some way that made you feel like a burden. You began to hide parts of yourself, and the hidden parts became associated with shame. Now you believe that if someone truly knew you, they would leave, so you only offer edited versions of yourself in relationships. This creates a painful paradox: you long for someone to love the real you, but you never show them who that is. The deprivation is not just about blocking love from others. It is about blocking your own self from being seen and known.
Some people deprive themselves of love because they are addicted to the pain of longing. If you grew up in chaos or high drama, your body learned to connect excitement with feeling alive. Now peaceful, stable relationships can feel dull or even scary because they're so different from what you're used to. You may find yourself creating problems in healthy relationships or losing interest once someone becomes available and consistent. This is not because you are broken. It is because your system mistakes intensity for intimacy and equates suffering with depth. The deprivation keeps you in a state of yearning, which feels more familiar than the strangeness of actually having what you want.
Finally, you deprive yourself of love because you are punishing yourself for something you believe you did wrong or for something you believe you are. Guilt and shame operate quietly in the background, convincing you that you do not deserve good things. This can stem from surviving something others did not, from choices you made that hurt someone, from desires you were taught were sinful, or simply from existing in a body or identity that was rejected by the people who were supposed to protect you. The deprivation becomes a form of penance, a way to stay small and safe from further judgment. But no amount of self punishment will undo the past or make you more acceptable to those who could not love you. It only keeps you locked in a cycle that prevents you from moving forward.
Examine the specific moments in your early life when you learned that love required you to abandon yourself, and identifying how that original betrayal continues to dictate your current relationship patterns.
Ready to stop the cycle of self-deprivation? You don't have to figure this out alone. If you're recognizing patterns of pushing love away or feeling unworthy of connection, talking with a compassionate counsellor can help you understand where these beliefs come from and how to heal them. Book a session today and take the first step toward allowing yourself to receive the love you truly deserve at kindcompanyproject.com